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[17 Mar 2008|07:13pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Bright Eyes - Center of the World |
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Bad things happen in threes is what people always say. No matter how bad one thing is two more are bound to be close by. Waiting around biting your nails, how can you wait before you turn mad? I envisioned you to be strong to be healthy in every choice you make. Out of everyone you where the strong one who could hold her own...but that came tumbling down and your slowly loosing your mind. Can you hold on any longer? why isolate yourself more, it will only push you away from what you have left. You live in a world full of anguish you cant break free. Surrounding yourself with people who will always hurt you. Trust is just a word to you never something you believed in. Why trust others when they will just hurt you, and cause more problems in your life, more pain, more hate.
Things don't always last. You where someone I looked up too but now your just wallowing in self pity and I can't even talk to you. I hope you break out of this before I leave. I'd like to see the real you again. I kinda miss my "big sister"
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[08 Sep 2007|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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Things have been hectic and I don't know what I am doing anymore. I try to help people and I just keep falling short. My words seem so meaningless going in and out of your ears and not phasing you at all, I am sick of that I am just going to stay silent. I know I don't stay stupid things a lot but around you I am just walking on egg shells everything I do causes a problem including the way I look. I can't help being me, I like who I am and you can yell at me and make me feel as low as you would like but you can't change who I am and how I act.
I feel like a lazy piece of shit just working so much. I kind of wish I went to college but again I don't I like the idea of traveling and I really want to. But it never feels like it will happen. I don't know, I give up to easily.
bah lame.
Today has been a day where I don't feel like talking to anyone. Well theres one person I want to talk to, I wouldn't mind just being on the phone and having it silent. Just to know he was there but I feel lame doing that. So I think its best if I don't call him back. Since I am not so cheery. I feel bad thought. I hate these days, yet I love these days.
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[15 Jul 2007|05:41am] |
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music |
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As I lay Dying |
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I cant figure out how I feel.
I don't want to do anything but sleep today away. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. But I have work 10-6:30. I hope it goes by fast.
I didn't get home till 3:30 this morning. We went to parks in Worcester last night it was pretty fun. But I feel empty inside. Why does everyone I like always give up on me. I guess I'm not worth waiting for.
I'm such a pathetic loser for feeling so sad about a relationship I wasn't in.
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[09 Jul 2007|10:09am] |
I sit here and attempt to write something to help clear my head. Something that will help me figure out my feelings. But my words fail to make complete sentences that make sense. Words pass in and out of my head, and yet I sit here frustrated at my failed attempt to figure things out.
I've been writing for the past two days. Trying to feel real again, I need to fall back into reality but nothing I do helps. Lust, fear, hope, sex, pain, mutilation, malicious, wounded, vulnerable, self-loathing. words that eat away at my head, words I cant stop thinking about.
You lust for me and I cant do anything to help you. I don't want to cave and give into your wants and desires. I don't know if your intentions are true. Do you really want me for me? or am I just another pretty face? a conquest? I want to be more then a pretty face to you, but My words fail to complete a sentence, My mind goes blank and my legs get weak. How can someone make me fall so hard?
I want to get away. I want to move away from the drama. Away from the place I am comfortable with. I want to step out of my comfort zone and be shocked by the world. Breath everything in and start over on my own in a new country. I can't deal with these people who come in and out of my life putting there marks on my heart then leaving. Leading me on, playing with my head, i'm done the petty mind game bullshit.
No one understand that if I let you in then I become vulnerable to you. Everyone warned me not to trust so easily but I cant do that. I put everything I have into shit and always come out hurt and a failure in the end. One day I will be good enough for someone to love. I might one day find the boy who wont mess with my head, or cheat on me, or betray me. I dont think I will find it here though.
I didnt think I would take this in such a negative way. I told myself I didnt need someone, I didnt want someone. But I did want you.
I turn 18 in two days and I wanted to get another tattoo. But fuck that, I'm saving my money and getting the fuck outa here. I cant take it i'm going crazy. I'm left alone with my thoughts and I cant fall back into that. I dont have the strength to pull myself back up after i'v fallen so far down. I'v overcome so much mentally that I cant deal with it again i'll crack and I know no one will be there.
I dont feel like I can trust anyone anymore. No one has proven to me that I can actually trust you. I dont believe the lies that pour out of your mouth anymore. I cant believe I trusted everyone who said they cared. Your lies are as meaningless as the words I love you to the person your cheating on. I hope you choke on every lie you once told me, and I hope you suffocate on every breath you take.
The only person who has been there more then anyone lately has been Casey. So thank you Casey.
I wont be your easy fuck
I wont be your cuddle buddy
I wont be the person you give pitty too
I wont be the person you beat
I wont be the person you pretend to care about
and I wont be yours.
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[17 Jun 2007|09:05pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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the More You Talk the Less I Hear - Armor For Sleep |
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I want to be cared for.
I want to stop feeling used.
I wish someone where here to cuddle with me.
I feel like I'm at one of my all time lows.
All I am is a pretty face, and everyone reminds me of that. My words seem to become more meaningless as each day passes. My feelings become worthless and all I am left with is people saying I'm sorry. I don't want anymore apologize from people. I want someone I can actually talk to who shows some kind of interest and has more to say then "I'm sorry" or "That sucks"
Then again I'm a hypocrite because I can never find the words to say what I want to when someone is sad. I had a very long myspace message for a certain sad girl named Krystal but I didn't think it sounded right. I wish I could write how I feel but I can't the words just don't come out. I want to write something that will cheer someone up. But I don't have that in me anymore. My sympathy died for others when I was trampled on by a drugged up anorexic whore.
This weekend seemed to suck for a lot of people. I want to become a hermit and not go anywhere. Save all my money so I can leave sooner. I don't know where I will go but I want to leave Massachusetts. I'm sick of most of the people here. I want to find someone who will keep their word, who does what they say they will, who doesn't lie or betray you, someone who doesn't use you. I know I ask for to much.
I wish I didn't feel so completely worthless.
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[13 Jun 2005|09:41pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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Hocus Pocus |
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So i made a photo journal. check it out ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) cardboardstars
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[27 May 2005|03:36pm] |
ok so i know i dont update that much but that will change soon. so before i start updating more often i will be doing a friends cut. so if i never talk to you anymore. like online or at school then you will most likely be cut. because it just shows you dont care to talk to me. so why read my journal?
ok so yea.
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[25 Mar 2005|05:44pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Nirvana - In Bloom |
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ok so here is that picture post i promised people on monday.
( Monday )
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[22 Mar 2005|11:15pm] |
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i think the words i love you are thrown around way to much.
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| I would like to warn you about my emoness ahead of time. |
[21 Mar 2005|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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 like shit |
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music |
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Bright Eyes - Center of the World |
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So today was ok, I will update with pictures later if i feel like it.
I went to school, and then dropped Justin off at work. Then me Ben Alana and my brother went to the mall and had some fun there. We tried on the masks at we got what’s hott and took pictures, then we were kicked out because i guess your not suppose to take pics. Lame.
Then we went to burger king
Then off to pick up Justin. We all hung out in the Wendy’s parking lot for a while then went to the Hannaford parking lot. Went in talked to Mike for a few min a couple times then went to the parking lot and played wiffle ball. I think we hit a car or two.
Then we went up some hill that was fun at first but then Alana and i though it was a little shady so said we should go back down. But no one listened to us. So we felt ignored and ditched for about an hour. Deedless to say I was pissed, because I really hate feeling ignored and shit.
so then Alana and I went into Hannaford’s and I bought a drink and talked to mike some more, then he had to go and Alana and I walked to Wal-Mart. then decided to go back to Hannaford’s. We say Justin, Ben, and Nate go into Hannaford’s looking for us, so we went to sit on the car.
Waited there, then felt like more shit because I was upset and felt bad for being upset but I still felt ignored and ditched
So now I’m sitting here feeling horrible and like a bad person. I suck at life.
But I will always be the one to apologies first
I will always be the one to feel bad about being mad at someone.
I will never be the girl you want me to be
I will never be a good girlfriend
I will just always be an emotionally fucked up girl who drives people away with her bi-polar, paranoia, bitchyness.
I’m sorry...
Dont hate me, because I could never be mad at you.
I love you.
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[11 Jan 2005|02:19pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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this is fucking ridiculous
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[28 Dec 2004|05:12pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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The All American Rejects - Swing Swing |
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Dear You.
Please stop talking shit behind everyones back. I can't understand how they are friends with you. I guess its how your so nice and cool around them but come home and make fun of them and talk shit. I wonder how much shit you have said about me to people.
Love.
Jess
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[06 Dec 2004|04:39pm] |
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I hate how people say that no one reads there journal when they always have at least one comment every entry.
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| you're lucky i didn't write this in spanish. |
[03 Nov 2004|07:21pm] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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music |
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brand newwwww |
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Dear Jessica Lynn Rennick,
you seriously need to post in this. you fell off my friend's page ages ago, and it upsets me. you even wrote an entry today, all in german, but you DELETED IT. don't let this happen again!
Love, Lauren Angelina Melendez.
postscript, the little lint-ball-cat-toy-blue-volley-ball looks EVIL.
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[27 Oct 2004|03:07pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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you should probably stop saying your my friend, when your always an asshole to me.
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[13 Aug 2004|09:40pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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The Distillers - The hunger |
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